Who I Used to Be Read online

  Who I Used to Be

  by Alexa Land

  Book Twelve in the

  Firsts and Forever Series

  Copyright 2016 by Alexa Land.

  All rights reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission in whole or in part of this publication is permitted without express written consent from the author.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either used fictitiously or are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is purely coincidental.

  This gay romance contains adult language and sexually explicit material.

  It is intended for ADULTS ONLY.

  Books by Alexa Land Include:

  Feral (prequel to Tinder)

  The Tinder Chronicles (Tinder, Hunted and Destined)

  And the Firsts and Forever Series:

  Way Off Plan

  All In

  In Pieces

  Gathering Storm

  Salvation

  Skye Blue

  Against the Wall

  Belonging

  Coming Home

  All I Believe

  Hitman’s Holiday (short story)

  The Distance

  Who I Used to Be

  A Firsts and Forever Family Tree is located at the end of this book

  In Loving Memory of

  J.A.R.

  Dedicated to Ralph

  I listened, and I hope I did it justice

  With love to R.B.M.

  Who inspired me to write this couple

  Special thanks to

  Kim, Ri, Ish, and Bec for lending a helping hand!

  And with much love and gratitude to my writing group. What started with NaNoWriMo has turned into a fellowship that means the world to me. <3

  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Epilogue

  The Firsts & Forever Family Tree

  Chapter One

  The overwhelming urge to bolt from the wedding was not okay.

  It made me a lousy friend and an all-round shitty human being. Never mind that depression had teamed up with my social anxiety and come after me like a street gang. That didn’t matter. I had to stick around for my friend Jessie’s sake.

  In fact, I had to do more than that. I needed to shake off my funk and act like I was enjoying myself. I pulled up a little smile and glanced at the faces of the people around me to gauge whether or not I was blending. Everyone else seemed happy as they waited for the ceremony to begin. It was all so effortless for them, and why wouldn’t it be? This was what normal people did, they went to social functions and laughed and chatted and enjoyed each other’s company. They participated.

  Why was no one else sweating? It felt like it was eighty degrees in that backyard. I took a deep breath, rolled back the sleeves of my black button-down and fanned myself with my hand, not that it helped.

  Okay, it wasn’t eighty. It was late afternoon, and the high that August day in San Francisco had only been about seventy-four. I fidgeted with the lei of white flowers around my neck, which I (and all the guests) had been issued on arrival and took another deep breath.

  It was too crowded. That was the problem. I circled the edge of the yard, looking for a little more elbow room, and someone behind me asked, “You doin’ alright, Zachary?”

  I turned to face Elijah as the seventeen-year-old tucked a strand of blond hair behind his ear. He’d doubled up his lei and wore it around his head, which made him look even more angelic than usual. I told him I was fine, because the truth was way too complicated to go into.

  “No you’re not.” His soft voice was tinged with a Mississippi accent, which always sounded melodic to me. “You probably hate bein’ in this crowd as much as I do. I wish the ceremony would start already. Once it’s done and everyone spreads out, it won’t feel so claustrophobic.”

  He was as introverted as I was, so I should have known he’d understand. That similarity was part of the reason we’d become friends in the few months we’d both been living with my friend Chance and his family. I asked him, “Where’s your boyfriend and everybody?” He was dating Chance’s kid brother, Colt.

  “Right up front by the deck, since Chance is the wedding photographer. It got way too crowded for me, so I bailed out.” He tilted his head as his intelligent blue eyes studied me. “You’re upset about more than just the crowd, aren’t you?”

  “I’m fine. I just wish the ceremony would start.”

  “You seemed sad even before we got here,” he persisted. “What’s going on?”

  I sighed and lowered my voice as I told him, “I’m just being stupid. I really am happy for Jessie, he and his fiancé Kai are perfect for each other. But things change when friends get married, it’s inevitable. Everyone else takes a backseat while the newlyweds build a life together. Jessie’s important to me and I’m going to miss him, since I know he won’t be around as much.”

  “I get it.”

  “I know I’m being selfish, by the way, and making this about me when it isn’t at all.”

  “You’re not selfish,” he said. “It hasn’t been that long since Chance got married, and I know that was probably devastating. You kind of latched on to Jessie after that, and now it must feel like you’re gettin’ left behind all over again.”

  “I mean, it wasn’t devastating,” I mumbled.

  Elijah looked sympathetic. “I know you had feelings for Chance.” He kept his voice down, so no one around us would overhear him. “It’s none of my business if that’s past tense or present, I’m just sayin’. It had to rip your heart out when he married Finn, so in the wake of something like that, another friend’s wedding must stir up a lot of emotions.”

  “Past tense. Definitely past.” I frowned and said, “I always tried to keep it under wraps, so it sucks that you noticed something. I mean, Chance knew how I felt, and for the record, it was never mutual. Finn knows all about this too, which is just embarrassing. But I didn’t think you and Colt did.”

  “Colt has no idea. You haven’t been obvious about it or anything. I just picked up on a few little things, like the sadness in your eyes when you look at Chance and think no one’s watching you.” Oh man, I had to quit that.

  Fortunately, Elijah changed the subject by saying, “Thank you Jesus, I think they’re starting,” as he craned his neck and tried to peer over the crowd. He was only about five-foot-seven so that was a bit of a challenge, not that I could see much better with the extra two inches I had on him.

  “Come back here,” I told him as I climbed onto a rock in the flower bed behind us. My new vantage point improved my view considerably. He stepped up onto an adjacent rock and smiled at me.

  Kai’s friend Ash stepped through the back door and hopped effortlessly over the deck’s railing. His spiky, silvery-la
vender hair matched his skinny jeans, which made me grin. When he reached a makeshift DJ booth to my left and spun a few dials, ‘Heroes’ by David Bowie started playing.

  Jessie and Kai’s families spilled from the pink, two-story house and lined both sides of the whitewashed deck. The wedding had been pretty spur-of-the-moment and deliberately casual. Instead of bridesmaids or groomsmen, the couple had told us we were all a part of the wedding, not just spectators. It was a nice sentiment.

  Clothing was meant to be casual as well, and I thought it was interesting to see how people had interpreted that. The wedding official, a stocky man of about sixty with a long ponytail, was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, board shorts and flip flops. He took his place at the edge of the deck, right above the stairs leading to the lawn, and was flanked by Nana, Jessie’s adopted grandmother (more or less) and her best friend, Kai’s grandma Kiki. The seniors had gone with matching rainbow dresses with full, knee-length skirts. They looked like they were headed to a gay square dance.

  There the fashion coordination ended. Jessie’s sister Rue wore a stylish sundress, while Kai’s twin sister Malia had opted for jeans, and for some reason, Kai’s mom was wearing a light blue jumpsuit suitable for skydiving. Most of the men wore jeans or shorts, except for Nana’s grandson Dante, who was dressed in a dark suit and crisp black shirt that was open at the collar. Apparently his definition of casual meant leaving off the tie.

  The grooms stepped through the kitchen door hand-in-hand as everyone whooped and cheered. I loved the fact that they were getting married in jeans and Hawaiian shirts. Kai scooped up his six-year-old daughter Izzy and put her on his shoulders, then took Jessie’s hand again. The little girl looked adorable in her crown and pink princess costume, and she smiled and waved to the crowd as she hitched a ride across the deck. When they reached the wedding official, Kai placed Izzy right in front of him and his fiancé. The two men slid their arms around each other’s waists and each rested his free hand on Izzy’s shoulder, joining their little family.

  I studied the couple as everyone settled in. Jessie was small, blond, and fair while his fiancé was the opposite, and they were gorgeous together. When they smiled at each other, you could just see the love between them.

  My discomfort was forgotten temporarily as I focused on the main event. There was none of the showiness of a typical wedding. It was just two guys who were deeply in love, making a commitment to each other surrounded by people who cared about them. I thought it was beautiful.

  The ceremony didn’t take long. Jessie and Kai exchanged vows, and the official recited a blessing in Hawaiian before pronouncing them married. As the two men kissed passionately and everyone cheered and applauded, Izzy clapped her hands, jumped up and down, and shouted, “Yay!”

  Both of her dads picked up the little girl and kissed her cheeks while my friend Chance circled at a distance and snapped a bunch of photos. The newlyweds were instantly inundated by friends and family offering hugs and congratulations. I wanted to wish them well too, but that would have to wait until things settled down a bit.

  As the DJ began playing some upbeat music and a lot of people started dancing, Elijah and I stepped off our rock perches and glanced at each other. He said, “It’s bound to be a lot quieter inside. Wanna see if they need help setting up the buffet? That’s a good excuse to escape this insta-rave.”

  I nodded and we started to make our way around the edge of the yard, but soon we were intercepted by Elijah’s boyfriend. Colt’s dark hair spilled into his sparkling blue eyes as he beamed at us and exclaimed, “There you are! Come dance with me, Eli, I love this song. Zachary, you should join us!”

  I mumbled a thanks-but-no-thanks, and my friend pulled up a little smile and took Colt’s hand. He didn’t want to dance any more than I did, but he wasn’t going to disappoint his boyfriend. Elijah turned to me and said, “I’ll look for you later,” before letting himself get towed into the center of all the activity.

  I continued my slow circumnavigation of the yard, hoping my smile looked convincing whenever someone made eye contact, but I hit a roadblock at the DJ booth. Four guys in colorful sunglasses were clustered behind the table with Ash, and a thick knot of wedding guests in front of the table cut off my escape route. One of the DJ’s friends smiled at me as I hesitated and looked for a way through the crowd. “Hey,” he said. “Great wedding!”

  I nodded in agreement and glanced up at him. He was probably about twenty-four like me, and I was going to guess he was gay like I was, but there ended the similarities. He reminded me of a neon peacock with his yellow sunglasses, spiky purple hair, and lime green T-shirt. The shirt had been silkscreened with ‘9.5’, but it was crossed out and the number ten was printed beneath it. I just had to ask. “What does your shirt mean?”

  The guy’s smile got bigger. “We first met the grooms when they were having sex in the yard behind their garage. Well, technically, we didn’t meet them then. We just saw what they were doing from the roof of my friend Ash’s apartment building and held up score cards afterwards as a joke. I gave them a nine-point-five because I think there’s always room for improvement. My friends gave them tens.” He gestured at the other guys behind the table. Each was wearing a T-shirt in a different bright color, printed with the number ten. “Anyway, Ash got to know Kai and Jessie after that, and later on we all did, so we thought it’d be funny to wear score shirts to their wedding.”

  That was a lot more of an explanation than I’d been expecting, but then, it was my own fault for asking. I mumbled, “I see,” because I didn’t know what else to say.

  “I’m Taylor,” he said, sticking out his hand.

  I shook it and told him, “Zachary.”

  “It’s good to meet you, Zac.” Why did people always feel the need to chop my name in half? He asked me, “Do you wanna dance? This song’s infectious!” He bounced a bit to illustrate his point.

  “Um, thanks, but I was trying to get to the bathroom and kind of got stuck.” The restroom excuse had to be the oldest one in the book.

  When he stared at me blankly, I gestured at all the people around us. You could almost see the lightbulb coming on when he figured out what I meant by ‘stuck’. “Oh dude, here, let me help you,” he exclaimed. Before I could stop him, he hurried around the end of the table and announced, “Coming through, people, make a path! Full bladder here, we got a bathroom 911!”

  Awesome. Everyone turned to stare at the totally incontinent guy, and I felt my cheeks igniting as people stepped aside for me. I followed Taylor and mumbled a thank you when we reached the stairs to the deck. He’d meant well, even if his methods were fairly horrifying.

  “I’ll look for you later so we can have that dance,” he said cheerfully. I just nodded and fled.

  The kitchen was more chaotic than the yard. Several people were scurrying around, and as soon as I stepped through the door, Nana Dombruso thrust something into my arms and exclaimed, “Hold this, Zachary, we’ve got a situation here!”

  I looked down at the gallon zip-top bag in my hands, which contained some kind of chunky, dark red substance. Okay, no idea what to make of that. Nana circled what I assumed was a child’s science experiment on a rolling tray. After a moment, I realized it was an absolutely enormous chocolate cake in the shape of a volcano and said, “That’s really something.” The thing was over three feet high and must have weighed a ton.

  “Since Jessie just married into Kai’s Hawaiian family, we thought this’d be fun,” Nana said, leaning back to look at the cakecano. “But the fucker’s as unstable as a pair of three-legged unicorns screwing on a tightrope!”

  While I paused for a moment to contemplate that analogy, a big section of the cake started to slide down in slow motion. Nana pushed against it with both hands and yelled, “Avalanche!”

  A guy named River, who was both a caterer and a friend of the family, rushed over and drove a few skewers into the slipping slab. “Hopefully this’ll do the trick,” he said, blowing upward
to move a long strand of sun-streaked brown hair out of his face.

  Everyone held their breath when Nana pulled her hands out of the frosting. After a tense pause, her husband Ollie exclaimed, “I think we got it!”

  A cheer went up around the kitchen, and the seniors grabbed each other and kissed. When they separated and Ollie turned toward the cake, I noticed two chocolate handprints on his ass, which made me chuckle. “We’d better get this cake finished and serve it up real quick,” he said. “I don’t think it’s long for this world.”

  “You’re right,” Nana said as she washed her hands. “Who says you can’t have dessert before dinner? And if we wait, we might not have a cake at all, just a big dung heap on the floor. Everyone grab the decorations, let’s get ‘er done!”

  “Um, what should I do with this?” I asked, holding up the bag of whatever the hell that was.

  “Hop up on the ladder, Zachary, and pour the cherry lava into the hole at the top,” Nana said. “We got it rigged with a pump, the whole thing’s gonna erupt with the flip of a switch.”

  While River touched up the frosting and everyone else festooned the cake with plastic palm trees and a little seascape around the base, Nana and Kiki ran off to change. Apparently they had some sort of ‘presentation’ planned to go with the cake. Meanwhile, I climbed the stepladder, leaned over and gingerly poured the chunky red glop into the top of the giant confection. A plastic tube ran through the center of the cake, and there must have been some sort of reservoir at the base, because the entire gallon disappeared from sight. I started to climb down, but Ollie swapped out the empty bag for a full one, then did that once more when the next bag was dispensed.

  While I was on the third bag, someone came in through the back door, and a voice with a British accent exclaimed, “Holy mother, would you look at that!” I glanced over my shoulder at Jessie’s friend Six, who tore his gaze from my ass and smiled at me as he said, “The volcano’s nice, too.”